What do you base your worth off of? For me I am defined by numbers; yes, say it all you want, you shouldn't let grades define you because your identity in Christ is who you are. But acting out on that statement isn't as easy as you think, especially when you have been raised to think that only 100%'s are good enough.
Let me be honest, this characteristic is something about me that I am trying to change: being jealous of others when they make the grade I feel I should have made, but didn't. I have this internal battle inside of me, you are good enough versus you will never be good enough.
If I am not the best, then what am I?
Second place is the first loser.
During this week, I began thinking of my future as a nurse and a question came to my head, a question that, the more I think into it, the more I become uneasy. How will you measure your worth when you are no longer making grades, when you are no longer being defined by a GPA?
This question made me realize that I am dependent upon good grades for my emotional well-being. Not only do they bring me satisfaction, I am dependent upon numbers to define who I am; they help me define my definition of m y s e l f .
So what happens when you graduate from nursing school, pass boards and become a licensed nurse; what will then d e f i n e y o u ?
I have tried to answer this question. Maybe being the best nurse on my floor will help me define myself; but someone is always better than you. Maybe if I can impact client's lives in a positive way I will be able to define myself; but not all patients will make you feel as if you have been a positive impact on them. Maybe creating, building, and nurturing relationship with coworkers and clients will help me define who I am; but I shouldn't rely solely on people for my satisfaction.
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"It is not our abilities which show what we truly are, it is our choices" ~ Dumbledore
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But that is just it. None of those should define me. My grades shouldn't discourage me from internal joy when reflecting on my passion of helping others through the art of nursing. I should remember that there is no such thing as a 'perfect nurse,' we are all human and we all mess up; so perfectionism in relation to being the 'best nurse' should not get in my way from holistically caring for not only my clients but also my coworkers (peers). And although my purpose for living through Christ is to serve others and exhibit his love, I cannot rely on human affirmation as my source of internal joy.
This realization must turn into a process - meaning, in order for me to believe this, it needs to become my mindset. If I tell this to myself everyday, then maybe one day, I will be fully satisfied with my accomplishments, no matter how little I believe them to be now.
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"What defines us is how well we rise after we fall"
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If I am not the best, then what am I?
Second place is the first loser.
During this week, I began thinking of my future as a nurse and a question came to my head, a question that, the more I think into it, the more I become uneasy. How will you measure your worth when you are no longer making grades, when you are no longer being defined by a GPA?
This question made me realize that I am dependent upon good grades for my emotional well-being. Not only do they bring me satisfaction, I am dependent upon numbers to define who I am; they help me define my definition of m y s e l f .
So what happens when you graduate from nursing school, pass boards and become a licensed nurse; what will then d e f i n e y o u ?
I have tried to answer this question. Maybe being the best nurse on my floor will help me define myself; but someone is always better than you. Maybe if I can impact client's lives in a positive way I will be able to define myself; but not all patients will make you feel as if you have been a positive impact on them. Maybe creating, building, and nurturing relationship with coworkers and clients will help me define who I am; but I shouldn't rely solely on people for my satisfaction.
•
"It is not our abilities which show what we truly are, it is our choices" ~ Dumbledore
•
But that is just it. None of those should define me. My grades shouldn't discourage me from internal joy when reflecting on my passion of helping others through the art of nursing. I should remember that there is no such thing as a 'perfect nurse,' we are all human and we all mess up; so perfectionism in relation to being the 'best nurse' should not get in my way from holistically caring for not only my clients but also my coworkers (peers). And although my purpose for living through Christ is to serve others and exhibit his love, I cannot rely on human affirmation as my source of internal joy.
This realization must turn into a process - meaning, in order for me to believe this, it needs to become my mindset. If I tell this to myself everyday, then maybe one day, I will be fully satisfied with my accomplishments, no matter how little I believe them to be now.
•
"What defines us is how well we rise after we fall"
•
I left school earlier this week and as I was about to turn on the road to head out of Pembroke, I saw a very small rainbow; it did not cover the sky to where it would be obvious to every eye, but it was just placed in my field of view by the hand of God, reminding me of his promise. And God's voice inside of my soul said stay focused on me, and you life will be full of meaning, you will be good enough.
This week was different than others in reference to my clinical day. Instead of a normal 'take care of sick people' day, my 'BFF' partner gal and I had an •operating room• rotation. It was interesting to enter the day expecting one thing and walking out having a totally different perspective on the life of a OR nurse. I had assumed that as a nurse, my role in the operation rooms would be to help the surgeon, or in other words, 'scrub up.' However, that job is mandated to the scrub techs. At the beginning of the day, being an 'OR nurse' was on my list of 'possible future careers,' however, I have come to find that I would rather be a preop or postop nurse for these two reasons: (1) the client is not unconscious, and (2) there are more nursing skills applied, such as assessment skills. If you know me at all, you may be as surprised as I was when I reflected on a personality characteristic I didn't believe I possessed - I would rather work with patients who are able to interact with me in some way. Don't get me wrong - observing the anesthesia process was indeed very interesting. Seeing it first person can make you realize how precious life really is - anesthesia can be intimidating to the life process, I mean, after all, you can be up and talking and within seconds you are out, like I mean completely out.
My dear, sleep, I will be seeing you the beginning of December. Until then, dear friend.
Let the madness begin.
But hey, I wouldn't want it any other way.
You are a beautiful creation who has a purpose.
Thanks, Tay, for reminding me I am full of worth.
"The girl really worth having won't wait for anybody." F. S. Fitzgerald