It's funny how eight weeks can turn into a whole year. Actually, it isn't funny at all, it's more like torture.
Earlier this year, life introduced me to a pain I have yet to experience; a physical pain which I never thought of as a 'big deal,' and an emotion pain which turns into a psychological pain that seems to eat you from the inside out.
Just when you think you have everything under control, life throws a curve ball at you, a new challenge, a very large bump in the road.
Then, when you are able to taper off pain medications and have the physical pain fairly under control, life hits your with a bunch of other stresses and messes. Finances become concerning and the uncertainty of the changing plans for the future add to the anxiety.
Without a lower extremity, it is extremely hard to get around; making food and bringing it to the kitchen table becomes a sweaty workout. There isn't much a temporary cripple can do; there isn't much certain people will let a temporary cripple do.
Earlier this week, I wanted to write a list of all the stuff I miss since I am now very limited in what I can do. Every morning when I wake up, I hear the birds chirping outside, something that is characteristic of beautiful weather (at least to me); I get mad because I want to be outside and be active, but I can't. I have been getting so jealous of people and their ability to be normal with life; I have found myself getting mad at the joggers outside; I have found myself becoming resentful towards myself when I see my classmates snapchats; I have found myself giving excuses to be productive and lay on the couch and boob-out instead; I have found myself sad when I hear a wonderful song, but cannot get up to dance.
Wednesday, I think it was, I had the urge to go outside, so I did. I turned on some Pandora and swang on the big swing we have in the backyard. It sounds simple-minded, but this was the most joyful I have felt in weeks. Looking around at God's creation before me, I thought to myself, for the first time since the beginning of this messy journey, maybe this all isn't so bad. This was the first time in five weeks that I have been able to regain faith in the future God has for me; the first time in what seems like forever that I have been able to regain sight of 'the light at the end of the tunnel.'
For there to be night, there must be day; to see the presence of the light, there must be darkness. Without the 'night' or the 'darkness,' no one would truly know how beautiful the day is and how fascinating the light is. If there were not valleys, then what would be considered a hill? If there were no sadness, how would one know the meaning of 'happy?'
Psalm 30:5b-12 Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
As for me I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong;you hid your face; I was dismayed. To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing, you have loosed my sackclot and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
What if the reason you face challenges is because Satan knows how determined and dedicated you are to your passions of serving the Lord through your career, and he will do everything in his power to inhibit you and your passionate will to do so. What if the reason why you face adversity in the seemingly worst time possible is because God wants to see how much you trust him to turn the work of the devil, the work of sin into something more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. Satan never wins; challenges and adversities should never win over your joy and should never be allowed to take over your being. God wins every time, because he has already won your salvation; it's already payed out, payed in full!
You can't give up, because if you do, you are letting Satan win this small battle; you are freely giving him your joy and happiness and passions, you are giving him something that he doesn't deserve to have, and something that you don't deserve to lose.
* * *
I have never been into literature, or analyzing it; but as I was listening to a beautiful song by Coldplay, "Paradise," I couldn't help wonder the meaning behind the words and the positive and encouraging vibes the music and the lyrics give.
When she was just a girl, she expected the world
there once was a girl who had high expectations.
But it flew away from her reach
however, something got in her way, whether it be too high of expectations or some unexpected challenge and bump in the road; its tragedy that her expectations were not reached
maybe plans not made, dreams not followed, opportunities missed, feelings not acted upon.
So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise every time she closed her eyes
. . . and the bullets catch in her teeth
when she closed her eyes and lived out her desires and passions, nothing could hurt her, nothing could go wrong, nothing could stand in her way of getting to her destination
Life goes on, its gets so heavy
as each day passes, she is one day closer to a better future, but sometimes it feels unbearable, as if the scorned moments may never pass
she is weighted down by the trying challenges
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
the wheel of unfortune hits her every so often which is enough to break her spirit, every tear she cries holds a great deal of emotion and meaning
In the night, the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
but she continues to dream and plan for her future despite her misfortunes and trying experiences
Lying underneath those stormy skies
it seems as if she can never retreat from the hardships that seem to swallow her, however, she keeps a positive outlook on her future
I know the sun must set to rise
This could be paradise.
she perseveres and finds comfort knowing that the best is yet to come, that without challenges, she would not be who she is and who she will become
her greatest adventure is the journey that lies ahead, and even though there may be some very dark and discouraging moments, it shall pass
maybe with a positive mindset this crazy journey is paradise. . .
maybe these misfortunes I am living are my paradise in disguise.
* * *
This week I had a high school friend call me up. I was surprised to see this lovely soul calling me, nonetheless, I was thankful for her kind and encouraging words which totally brightened my day, my week for that matter. Kinda bumbed, 'cause I would have totally gone out to get lunch with you; once I am back up and running (literally) we can grab some chow and chat about our nursing adventures!
your love and prayers mean the world
xoxo
Then, when you are able to taper off pain medications and have the physical pain fairly under control, life hits your with a bunch of other stresses and messes. Finances become concerning and the uncertainty of the changing plans for the future add to the anxiety.
Without a lower extremity, it is extremely hard to get around; making food and bringing it to the kitchen table becomes a sweaty workout. There isn't much a temporary cripple can do; there isn't much certain people will let a temporary cripple do.
Wednesday, I think it was, I had the urge to go outside, so I did. I turned on some Pandora and swang on the big swing we have in the backyard. It sounds simple-minded, but this was the most joyful I have felt in weeks. Looking around at God's creation before me, I thought to myself, for the first time since the beginning of this messy journey, maybe this all isn't so bad. This was the first time in five weeks that I have been able to regain faith in the future God has for me; the first time in what seems like forever that I have been able to regain sight of 'the light at the end of the tunnel.'
Psalm 30:5b-12 Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
As for me I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong;you hid your face; I was dismayed. To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing, you have loosed my sackclot and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
You can't give up, because if you do, you are letting Satan win this small battle; you are freely giving him your joy and happiness and passions, you are giving him something that he doesn't deserve to have, and something that you don't deserve to lose.
* * *
I have never been into literature, or analyzing it; but as I was listening to a beautiful song by Coldplay, "Paradise," I couldn't help wonder the meaning behind the words and the positive and encouraging vibes the music and the lyrics give.
there once was a girl who had high expectations.
But it flew away from her reach
however, something got in her way, whether it be too high of expectations or some unexpected challenge and bump in the road; its tragedy that her expectations were not reached
maybe plans not made, dreams not followed, opportunities missed, feelings not acted upon.
So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise every time she closed her eyes
. . . and the bullets catch in her teeth
when she closed her eyes and lived out her desires and passions, nothing could hurt her, nothing could go wrong, nothing could stand in her way of getting to her destination
Life goes on, its gets so heavy
as each day passes, she is one day closer to a better future, but sometimes it feels unbearable, as if the scorned moments may never pass
she is weighted down by the trying challenges
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
the wheel of unfortune hits her every so often which is enough to break her spirit, every tear she cries holds a great deal of emotion and meaning
In the night, the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
but she continues to dream and plan for her future despite her misfortunes and trying experiences
Lying underneath those stormy skies
it seems as if she can never retreat from the hardships that seem to swallow her, however, she keeps a positive outlook on her future
I know the sun must set to rise
This could be paradise.
she perseveres and finds comfort knowing that the best is yet to come, that without challenges, she would not be who she is and who she will become
her greatest adventure is the journey that lies ahead, and even though there may be some very dark and discouraging moments, it shall pass
maybe with a positive mindset this crazy journey is paradise. . .
maybe these misfortunes I am living are my paradise in disguise.
* * *
This week I had a high school friend call me up. I was surprised to see this lovely soul calling me, nonetheless, I was thankful for her kind and encouraging words which totally brightened my day, my week for that matter. Kinda bumbed, 'cause I would have totally gone out to get lunch with you; once I am back up and running (literally) we can grab some chow and chat about our nursing adventures!
your love and prayers mean the world
xoxo